(The odd slight spelling cheat doesn't really matter)
| Tony Blair PM | = | I'm Tory Plan B |
| Virginia Bottomley | = | I'm an evil Tory bigot |
| Michael Heseltine | = | Elect him, he's alien |
| David Mellor | = | Dildo marvel |
| The Houses of Parliament | = | Loonies far up the Thames |
| Performance related pay | = | Mere end of year claptrap |
| Dame Agatha Christie | = | I am a right death case |
| The Open University | = | Intrusive Neophyte |
| The Metropolitan Police Force | = | I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop |
| Acorn Computers | = | Crap to consumer |
| Benson and Hedges | = | NHS been a godsend |
| Eastenders | = | Needs a rest |
| Home and Away | = | Aha - yawn mode |
| Eldorado | = | Real dodo |
| Selina Scott | = | Elastic snot |
| Peter Ustinov | = | Eruptive snot |
| Linford Christie | = | Find her clitoris |
| Actors | = | Scrota |
| Madonna, the material girl | = | Real dim man-eating harlot |
| Francois Mitterand | = | Mad strain of cretin |
| Robert DeNiro | = | Error on bidet |
| Rita Hayworth | = | Hot hairy wart |
| Sir Alec Guinness | = | Clearing sinuses |
| Mel Gibson | = | Big Melons |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | = | He's grown large 'n' crazed |
| Kylie Minogue | = | I like 'em young |
| Gloria Estefan | = | Large fat noise |
| Chris Rea | = | Rich Arse |
| Ossie Ardiles | = | Arse is soiled |
| Diego Maradona | = | O dear, I'm a gonad |
| Martina Navratilova | = | Variant rival to a man |
| Gabriela Sabatini | = | Insatiable airbag |
| Irritable Bowel Syndrome | = | O my terrible drains below |
| Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester | = | Boddington's stomach ache fermenter |
| Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive | = | Pint 'o' lager virtually erases sexiness |
| An Intel Pentium Processor | = | Customer nipple not arisen |
| Pentium Processor | = | Computerises porn |
| Funeral | = | Real Fun |
| Christians | = | Rich Saints |
| Women Priests | = | New Imposters |
| Motorway Service Station | = | I eat coronary vomit stews |